Transformers (2007)

This line best sums it up:

"It's Transformers, but not Transformers."

This is the same string of words that many people have said about the movie, and I'm glad they did. If I had gone to see this without hearing this five-word phrase, I MIGHT have gone in expecting something, then being completely, and utterly crushed. I went to see this with my friend Norm who had already seen it in China when he was hanging out with his family. The fact that he was willing to see it again meant that there was, possibly, some good to come from seeing this flick.

After watching a bazillion ads (some of which being, yes, Transformers toy ads) and trailers, the lights finally dimmed and the magic started.

The Story
Long ago, there was a planet named Cybertron. It was a peaceful world of a mechanical people until a war broke out leaving it decimated. The remaining soldiers on both sides spread out across the galaxy in search of an ancient cube that contains the "all spark" - a great energy that makes machines live. The Autobots, led by Optimus Prime hope that they can rebuild their world with it. The Decipticons, led by Megatron, hope to rebuild their ranks in order the crush the opposition.

Their search has brought them to Earth, where horny and socially-maladjusted Sam Witwicky holds the key to finding the All Spark.

Helped by his Camaro, a soldier by the name of Bumblebee, he hooks up with ultra-hottie Mikaela and they get swept up in not only the war between the giant metal-men, but also the government's attempts to keep it's secrets and suppress the alien menace. For the government has hidden much (surprise).

Then and Now
Despite being one of the longest-running toy commercials, The Transformers storyline, coupled with nostalgia, was pretty engaging. The characters were likable, even the bad guys - I mean, who didn't love Starscream? When the animated movie came out, our hearts were wrenched from side-to-side. Many of our beloved characters were killed off within the first ten minutes of the flick. There were tears (we didn't understand the marketing significance of this move).

In this movie, just like any other Michael Bay movie, the characters were there only to serve the explosions and the noise. It's not a bad thing for a stupid action movie, but I still missed the human side of this gigantic people.

There's only one rule to movies: the black guy dies first!
Now, in the case of the human players, this just wasn't the case. Tyrese, Anthony Anderson, and the always hilarious Bernie Mac made it to the end, safely. However, things don't go so well for the Autobots.

My favorite character in the original cartoon was always Jazz. He was the sass-talking, street-wise car with the hook-ups for all the ghetto kids to look up to, both literally and figuratively. It was no secret, then or now in the new movie that Jazz is the black Transformer, and I'm sorry to say that he was the only Autobot casualty in the entire movie. And if he had been wearing a red shirt, he might have died even faster than he did. Here's to you Jazz! Drink it up!

Subplot and Potholes
Now Michael Bay is know for putting a lot of crap subtext into his movies. Poorly written, drawn-out idealisms that he has no business messing with. The only counter to this mile-a-minute puke-a-thon is the explosions and the noise. Thankfully, in Transformers, the attempt at humanity had been completely left out. The only subplot we have to sit through is the vast amounts of product placement.

However, at the end of the movie, even the most dimwitted of creatures will walk out of the theater asking more questions than should be asked about a movie. Many things, especially towards then end, happen (or don't happen) that are never explained. They go missing. They fall into the void of devious plot holes.

In The End
For a summer action movie, I don't think they are going to get any explodier than Transformers. Despite it being "It's Transformers, but not Transformers", it was still (oh God...) a fun ride. (-_-)7 (sorry) It's completely mindless, which gives your brain a rest for the upcoming summer action movies like The Bourne Ultimatum.

Rest In Peace, Jazz.