Halo Series - Story(Microsoft/Bungie)

When I say that the Halo franchise from Bungie is one of my favorites, I'm not kidding, but I'm no hardcore über-fanboy, either. It's one of my favorites because they did everything right from the beginning to the end (mostly). The story was interesting, if not full of holes (I'll explain a bit later), the graphics were state of the art for the time of each game and they brought new things into the First Person Shooter category.

There's a lot of story, most of which I don't know. Why? Because it was NOT in the game. It came in the form of books and online easter eggs. I have no desire to get into any of these, so instead, I will fill in the holes myself. Oh yes...

The Story

Wal-Mart. The industry giant had grown too big for it's own good. Demanding servitude from the world's youngest and oldest and destroying city after city with it's everyday low prices, the planet Earth and it's surrounding colonies had enough. Being banned from first cities, then countries and continents, and eventually worlds, Wal-Mart was forced into the deeper reaches of space where it met and conquered many races in the distant galaxy.

Now, Wal-Mart is back sending it's newly formed Religion, the Covenant back into Earth's territory to reclaim what it had lost, under the pretense that humans are demons. Swarms of Elites, Grunts, Hunters, and Jackals attack. A raging war is fought, and Earth begins to loose. Uh-Oh.

The Pillar of Autumn, a war-ship of the UNSC escapes a terrible battle, but finds something very interesting. An immense ring in the middle of space which apparently holds life. The Covenant catch-up, however and send your ship hurdling to the surface, with all crew launched via escape pods.

You play Master Chief, the last of the genetically-modified super soldiers called Spartans. You are charged with the safe keeping of Cortana, The Pillar's sexy AI. If the Covenant get her, they know where Earth is. Wal-Mart must've forgotten to give them directions.

While battling your way through hordes of the Covenant, you discover more about the ring and accidently let loose an even worse threat, the Flood - a super parasitic group of hygienically-free nasties, who start to spread unhindered.

Guilty Spark, the caretaker of this Halo Installation hopes to kill all the flood by igniting the ring. The rings true purpose was for just that, but it kinda destroys EVERYTHING. Master Chief, having other ideas, blows it up instead.

Thanks to technology that was easily affordable at both Best Buy and Target, you find out that many of your non-genetically enhanced friends escaped that dire situation and are waiting for you patiently back at home. Hooray! While communicating with them back home, you dreamed of the cake you would eat back on Earth. Delicious Cheesecake with strawberries and chocolate. Sure, it goes right to your hips, but you don't care. You killed a lot of bad guys. You deserve cake.

After landing on the orbital defense station, you take a shower that makes Cortana very happy. When asking if she would return the favor, she says AIs don't take showers. After putting on your armor again as to hide your horrible, horrible mole, you head on over to the festivities where the cake waits for you.

Dang it! Apparently, the Covenant received an e-mail from Wal-Mart who googled the map to Earth and now they're attacking, AGAIN!

Meanwhile, the Arbiter - a disgraced Elite made to run a last suicide mission to save his honor - learns that the Covenant leaders, the Prophets, are perhaps a little fruit-loops. You see, they want to use the newly discovered Halo ARRAY to blow up the universe. Why? Because they believe they'll enter some kind of paradise with the Forerunners, the lost builders of the Halos. Kind of pissed, he now convinces his fellow Elites, his race of the Covenant to split from it and fight on the same side as the humans, allowing the Brutish Brutes to become top-dog in the Covenant.

Oh, and look! More Flood! They've gotten real busy lately, creating a Gravemind. He's like the voice for the masses! A real communist. When the Covenant find another Halo ring, Gravemind decides to put Master Chief and the Arbiter together to stop the religious idiots from blowing him, and everything else with him, up.

On a space-city, far from Earth, the Prophets find out that the key to lighting the Halo array is somewhere on Earth. This is no thanks to that frickin' floating lightbulb, Guilty Spark. Him again! They all pile onto a Forerunner ship and head to our humble, Wal-Mart-free planet, but not without the Chief! Leaving Cortana behind to hopefully blow up the Halo Rings, he makes it on board in a very dramatic fashion.

Then he has a sandwich. It's going to be a long trip! And trip he does. You see, some turbulence causes him to drop a pickle, which he then steps on, hurdling him into an airlock and out, somewhat luckily over Africa. WAY OVER Africa.

Crash landing - and yes, surviving - Master Chief teams up with the Arbiter and his friends to plow their way to a dig site that just happens to be the key to reaching The Ark, where the Covenant hope to activate the Rings. Far be it from the Flood to not show up at that critical point and cause all of Africa to become a hot, burning land. Well, more than already so.

A message, however reaches the Chief from dear old Cortana. She's got a plan and needs him to rescue her. With a new program allowing AIs to shower, he packs his tighty-whities and heads on over to the ark where he spends some time killing the last of the Covenant, saving Cortana's virtual slapper of an ass and blowing up the ark using the Floods own commandeered space city. And everything is right with the Universe, and showers for everyone!

Halo Series Part 2 - The Games